Asking for help............

Hi all,

I just wanted to post on the topic of "asking for help" as I know for me, it is difficult but I have learned that there are times I DO need to ask for help and it has been a challenge, but also a good thing!!I live alone and there have been times, especially lately, when I do need to ask others for help.Whether it is asking someone to do my laundry or take me to my doctor appointments, etc......it has become something that I have needed to do.And I must say that most of the time, my friends have been more than happy to help me.But like most of you...probably.....I am use to being independent and doing things by myself!!!During these past 9 months though, there have been lots of times when I have needed help and am learning that it is O.K to ask for it.I'd like to hear others experiences on this subject...so thanks ahead of time!!!! Warmly, Barbara

Barb,

Asking for help is something that in the past has always been really hard for me. I was one of those people who wanted to do it all and then some. I took on everyone else's chores, issues, you name it. If someone asked I did it. I liked helping others, it made me feel good. So, when it came to me having to ask for help it really broke my heart. Of course my friends and family were more than happy to help me as I had helped them for years, but you know the feeling, like I was letting them down by asking. Well, I must say, I have gotten over that feeling and have no problem asking if I need something, I have faced reality and know I need help. I lean on my family quite a bit. My husband does the majority of the work around the house, I have a lady who comes in and does the big stuff once a week and he does the rest. My daughter does the grocery shopping and everyone does their own laundry. My children are grown and I have no issues with asking if I need them to do something extra around the house. It took me a long time to get here, but I've come to terms with it now.

Melissa

Barbara,

My Mother always tells me from when I was little I was very independent - always wanting to do things on my own without any help. So I grew up that way. Being divorced with a 3 month old baby, I had to do things on my own even more. But when I got sick a few years ago, I was totally incapacitated physically and mentally. I have to be dressed, fed, etc. I still had the presence of mind to know that it was being done for me. That was hard and I tried everything I could to do it myself rather than ask someone. At this point now I have learned, like you, that it is okay to ask for help. It still does bother me sometimes that I need help but I've accepted it now and know that I need it from time to time. Family and friends are more than willing to do that for someone they love and care about.

I need to learn a little from Melissa. I am still trying to take on a little too much and don't ask as much as I should. I am learning and trying and have a lot of pride. I take pride in taking care of my home and keeping it clean and being a good housewife but I just can't do it all sometimes especially when I'm in a flare, like I am now. My husband has been doing the cooking lately. I have still been doing the laundry and most of the cleaning, so it hasn't been getting done much, at least the cleaning anyway, which is very hard for me to deal with since I like my house very clean. My daughter cleans her bathroom and does some of the cleaning. I just need to do a little more delegating. Monica

Hi Everyone,

After being dx'd I think one of the hardest things for me to deal with was that I could no longer be the giver and had to be the taker!!! I was always the one who people relied on to help out and get things done and even now it is hard to accept that I can't do it anymore. I try, I try damn hard but I just end up paying the price in the end and I know that doesn't do me or my family any good because then I end up in bed for 3 or 4 days !

One of the hardest things is having to say NO to the kids when they want me to go on day trips with their class or not going to their Saturday morning school sports because I am to stiff and sore to get moving, this is what causes me the most frustration and when I see the look of disappointment on their little faces I get so angry at myself and this rotten disease but they are so wonderful they will just say "It's ok Mum, I understand"!

When I went into the flare back in January, I had to accept my limitations, I couldn't cook or clean, geez somedays it took me all my energy just to shower and most times I had to have help doing that too! I still have trouble with the cooking and cleaning, most times I will get things done in the morning because by lunchtime I am so worn out that I need to go have a nap and after my nap I don't have anymore energy than I did before it !

Ahhhhh the joys of this disease!!!!! Thanks for listening to me babble.

Take Care
Love and hugs
xxxMaz

Hi Everyone:

Yes, I agree that it is very hard to ask for help. I think it is human nature not to want to be dependent on anyone. This is my first experience in needing help, too. My husband has been wonderful in helping me with everything I need. I thank God for him. I couldn't have done it without him when I first got sick and even now he helps me in so many ways. I have always been such a strong person - physically and mentally and this illness sure does a tune on both.

That's why I am so grateful for this forum, as well. It helps us gain inner strength and gives us the courage to continue to try to do what we can. I appreciate having this place to come to listen to others and be able to "talk" with them about these issues.

Hello everyone
I to was never one to ask for help from anyone, been that way all my life.I always would say i will do it or die trying, well guest what after the lupus really let me know what it could do to me i had to rethink my way of looking at life. I realized that if i wanted to stay around for alot longer,i was going to have to learn,listen and swallow my pride and ask for help if thats what it takes. Same as when i had to go on ssd i did not like the idea but it was better than killing myself working H##$ i had never even filed for a uneployment ck in my whole life.
I always was the first to help everyone else but have come to terms that it work both ways
Take care everyone
Ray